Memories of a Darkened Soul
by Writer in the Shadows
Summary: This is the story of one Remus Lupin as he looks back on some of the most memorable events in his life, beginning with when he was bitten, and his journey towards acceptance.
1. Chapter 1

Remus Lupin sat in a chair by his fireplace in his small house on the streets of London. He sat by the fire, his dog by his feet, thinking about his life. Tomorrow night was a full moon, and he would go through the same horrible, painful transformation as he did every month. He was tired of hiding who he really was. He was tired of the same miserable treatment from people whom he had told. When he would tell someone he _thought_ was a good friend that he was a werewolf, they would look at him oddly, and never talk to him again. They would avoid him, and cast away his friendship. The only people he could still call friends after telling his secret were James Potter, Sirius Black, and that rat Peter Pettigrew. But now they were all dead. Since Voldemort's death, there was no need for the Order of the Phoenix, the only other group of people who accepted him for who he was. He had taken in Harry Potter like Harry was his own son, but now he never saw Harry, or even owled him.

He tilted his head back in his chair and sat the warm butterbeer on the table next to him. He thought about the fateful day that changed his life - the time he was first bitten by that wretched werewolf from down the street; it was the worst experience of his life.

He had been out with a few of his neighborhood friends that night, all of which were younger than him, and they all really looked up to Remus, as he was the smartest in the group. The entire neighborhood loved him because not only was he the smartest young wizard they knew, but he had the heart of a lion. The boys were all having fun at young Ludo Bagman's home. They were sitting in the kitchen, making small talk, laughing about the small things as young boys do. Remus was playing a game of Wizard's Chess with Ludo. He always won, but Ludo was a persistent boy; he knew the chances of winning increased with each game he played. He got closer and closer every time they played. Remus was about to make the final move of the game when Ludo's mother flew in through the doorway in a panic.

"Boys, it's time for you to leave. Remus, I talked to your mother. Ludo is going to stay the night at your house tonight. Now, everyone, you need to leave!" she said frantically. Remus was worried, and did not know why Mrs. Bagman was acting the way she was. She was always a very calm, endearing lady.

The boys went outside the house, and just as they did, Remus heard a growl come from behind him. The boys jumped as they shrieked in fright. Remus looked behind them and saw what looked to be a big, shaggy dog. It was staring him directly in the eyes. Remus could never forget those eyes - they were as bright as the moon shone that night. Remus knew that it wasn't a dog at all, that it was a werewolf. He had seen them in the books he read, and knew all about them, but had never seen one in person; he had never planned to, either. He was just as scared as the other kids, if not more scared. They had no idea it wasn't a dog. Remus knew better. He didn't dare say anything to the others because he knew they would just be more frightened. Ludo yelped as the "dog" pounced on top of him, causing him to go flying to the ground. Remus hit the animal on the back with his fists as hard as he could, and grabbed a handful of fur as he tried to pull the animal off of his friend. His plan backfired. The werewolf was now angrier than before, and now it was lunging toward him.

The werewolf caught him right in the middle of the chest, leaping upon Remus with all of his might, and knocking him to the ground with a crash. He tried to struggle free of the monster's grip, squirming among the dew-soaked grass. There werewolf did not want to play games with Remus any longer as it sunk its teeth into the left shoulder of Remus Lupin, the ten-year-old boy trapped under the weight of the monster. All he heard before everything went black was Mrs. Bagman's voice yelling at the animal to get off, and calling it by its human name.

"Fenrir! No!" she screamed, whipping out her wand. The werewolf was Ludo's father. That was why his mother was rushing them all out of the house.

He awoke with a startle in his chair, shivering. The fire had burned out. All that was left was a pile of dying embers, smoldering in the fireplace. He thought to himself how the picture of the fireplace right then was a metaphor for his life - slowly dying, seemingly neverending. Slowly, he pushed himself out of the chair, and groggily stumbled across the room to the doorway to grab some more firewood off of the front porch. It was snowing, and it had already accumulated about six inches in his front yard. He threw the wood on top of the pile of ashes and pointed his wand at the wood.

"_Incendio_," he muttered, his eyes half-shut still, and the wood burst back into roaring flames. In moments, he was dozing back into his comatose-esque state.

He found himself about a month after he was bitten, ready to transform for the first time into the same beast that had changed his life just a month earlier. He was still in St. Mungo's at the time, being watched over by doctors to make sure no complications arose, so he was protected during his first transformation. They put him in a room down in the basement of the building, and chained him to a metal pole connected to both the ceiling and floor. He remembered the feeling, being a ten-year-old boy chained up in the dank basement of a building where the stench of mold engulfed his senses; it was like Azkaban. He felt like an animal. The chain was about ten feet long and was tied around his neck, so as to choke him if he tried to go too far. It was one of the worst feelings of his life, and it is the reason why he never put a chain on any dog he ever owned.

The pain was excruciating, and was unimaginable. He had fallen on the sidewalk before, and fallen down a few stairs. He had even cut himself a few times with a knife since his mother wouldn't let him do magic. But none of that could even compare to the pain felt in his first transformation. He felt every last hair popping out of his skin, and the pain of his head shifting in shape was the worst part of it all. It felt like an explosion was taking place inside of his skull.

"Nobody should have to feel that pain..." Lupin muttered to himself in his sleep, waking up the dog, but he was still fast asleep.

He tried breaking the chain before he was fully transformed, but there was no use. He was simply not strong enough. Once fully transformed, he had absolutely no control, and what went on, he could not remember. His parents told him it was like nothing they had ever seen before, that he was out of control and that he nearly choked himself to death with the chain trying to break free and attack them. They stood outside the room and watched in through a tiny window for a good half hour at their son, with a nurse standing beside them, all with their wands at the ready. When they were just about to leave after seeing enough of their son like that, they heard a snap, and saw the chain whip through the air, broken. Remus charged at the door to the cell and managed to put a large dent in the steel door, rendering him unconscious for the remaining time he was transformed.

Again, he woke up, but this time he was drenched in his own perspiration. He took down the rest of his butterbeer, and got up from his chair. From the cabinet in the kitchen, he grabbed the bottle of firewhiskey, and sifted through some miscellaneous bottles.

"Why me?" he whispered, hanging his head in desperation. "_Why me_?"

He had endured enough of the torturous memories for the night, so he slipped himself some painkillers he had bought from a muggle man on the street, and washed it down with what was left in his bottle of firewhiskey. Within moments, he was blacked out on the floor next to his dog.


	2. Chapter 2

It was around midnight, and Nymphadora Tonks, in her infinite wisdom, had decided to pop in on Mr. Remus Lupin to see how he was doing lately. What she failed to realize was that the full moon was out, and Remus was, in fact, a werewolf. As she swung the door to his house open, fighting the wind and snow, she found herself falling backwards. A horrific beast had pounced out of the doorway and caught her square in the chest, forcing her down onto the icy, snow-laden ground.

"Remus...It's me! It's Tonks!" For a moment, she thought she saw the beast's eyes well up with tears before it sunk its teeth into her left shoulder.

Inside the beast, something human awoke. It was as if Remus gained back control from the creature possessing his body. He could sense what he had done. He backed away from Tonks and ran back inside the house to hide in shame. He could hear voices in his house, strangers. As he ran out from behind the wall he looked around the corner, only to see a group of Ministry Aurors with their wands at the ready.

"Conglutino!" they all shouted, and within moments, the steel cables that had shot out of their wands were engulfing him. He could not move a muscle, but he could still roar at them. He showed his fangs to warn them away, but they came closer anyway. Remus managed to bite one of them on the leg, who shrieked loudly. He looked up and saw Harry Potter, with his wand pointed at him. He muttered something, and everything went black.

When he awoke, he was in a cell. It wasn't Azkaban, but it was just as bad. Once again, he had a chain around his neck, and once again, he felt like an animal. This was the second time he could remember what he had done when he was transformed, and he didn't know why it happened. He had had a feeling like this before, when he had bit a girl by the name of Roxy Kay.

She was the only thing he loved in life, and he felt like the luckiest man alive when he was with her. She was an animagus; she transformed into a golden phoenix. She would always keep him company when he transformed, because she could hover above him. Roxy wanted to be with him through all of the pain and suffering. This night was different. The full moon was supposed to come out the next night, but it was out a day early, unexpectedly, and he had no time to warn her before he realize what was happening. She had been in the kitchen preparing roast beef when she decided to ask him what he wanted with his dinner. He sunk his teeth into her leg as she rounded the corner out of the kitchen, and she did not have time to react. She fell to the ground, and he could hear her crying. The human part of him was crying on the inside; he had just bitten the one whom he loved most. She was now infected with the same horrible "disease" as he was, and it was all his fault.

"Ahhhhhhh!" He tried to break free of the chains, using all of his muscles. "I am human!"

"I am human..." his voice trailed off into a whimper. "I am human..."

He collapsed in his cell with his head in his hands, in tears, thinking about his one true love, and her terrible fate.

During one full moon, the two of them ventured out into the forest in their werewolf forms. She had run off away from him towards the outskirts of the woods. He heard a hunter scream. He also heard a gunshot, followed by a loud howl – the cry of his love. He knew there was no hope, and he collapsed to the ground, sulking. Even the monster part of him was crying. He lay there on the cold, damp ground, not wanting to live his life like that. He just wanted a normal life. He wished to be that ten-year-old boy again, so he could have run away and not have tried to be the hero and help his friend. It was not worth it in the end. There was too much suffering caused. Once the moon had retreated, he went to gather her lifeless body, till in her werewolf form, and he buried her deep in the heart of the woods, where they had spent many nights as werewolves, together.

If only he hadn't bitten her, she would still be there. If only he would've had time to warn her about the full moon, she would still be there. If only he wouldn't have always had to be the hero when he was a child. She would still be there. And he would not have lived the rest of his life alone. He was by himself in this world with no one to talk to; nobody with whom to joke; nobody with whom he could share stories or tell about his day; nobody who he could call his love; nobody to marry or with whom to have kids. He would never be able to have a kid of his own, and the boy he had tried to raise as his own was one of the people who had sent him to this dark, solitary chamber. If only there was a cure for werewolf bites. If he was such a bright wizard like everybody thought, why hadn't he been able to invent a cure? Nobody else should have to suffer like he did.

His eyes were swollen and sore. He wondered how Tonks was doing. He felt miserable about what had happened, and knew that was the reason he was locked away from society. What was she thinking? She knew he was a werewolf; she knew it was a full moon.

"Remus..."

He looked up and saw Tonks standing in front of him, outside the bars of his cell.

"What were you thinking? You're the reason I'm here. How could you be so stupid to come to my house when it was a full moon?" He yelled at her, leaping to his feet and running towards where she was standing. He reached through the bars and attempted to grab her.

"Remus, I...I'm sorry. You know how forgetful I am," she responded, frightened of the maniacal way he was acting.

"You're sorry? You're sorry? Do you have any idea what it feels like to be a ten-year-old kid chained up in a cell with his parents watching him turn into some sort of beast? Do you know what that's like?"

She burst into tears. "I love you, Remus! I love you! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean for this to happen!"

"I don't wish to see you, Nymphadora." He turned his back and walked to the damp, stone wall behind him. He leaned his head up against it as he heard her footsteps walking away. Tired, he fell to the ground. He fell asleep as a wave of remorse shivered up his spine.


	3. Chapter 3

Days went by, it felt. Remus did not know for sure because he could not count the sunsets. There were no windows to the outside. He had once read about a thing called Seasonal Affective Disorder (appropriately abbreviated as SAD). Humans, when put into darker circumstances, as in the winter, tend to become sad. He had been depressed lately, and did not know for certain if it was a genuine feeling, or if it was just being trapped in a gloomily lit cell that was forcing him to become a depressed maniac. He had forgotten why he was there.

He had at least once daily tried to rip the bars out from the ceiling and floor so he could escape. It had not worked; the bars were wrought iron. No man could break them with bear hands. If only he still had possession of his wand, he would be able to get away.

Then it hit him. He knew the way to stop the depression and stop himself from going insane. He had known the way the whole time. It was just like fighting dementors – just think happy thoughts. He had taught Harry Potter this trick. All he had to do was to think about the happiest memories he had.

There was a time when he was a student at Hogwarts, and he had some of the most faithful friends, some of the best friends anyone could ever ask for.

"Hey, Moony!" James yelled across the grounds. "Come here, I want to show you this!"

He trudged through the morning dew-soaked grass to where his friend was standing. When he got there, he saw Severus Snape, asleep on the ground by the lake. Remus looked up at James, who just stood there with a wicked grin. James bent down and started to take off all of Snape's clothes, trying not to wake him up.

"C'mon, Prongs, don't do this. It's not right."

"Would you relax, Moony? It's just Snapey. He deserves this." James threw his clothes in the lake.

"It's not right, Prongs. I don't want any part of this."

"Wingardium leviosa!" James shouted, pointing his wand at Snape's bare body. Snape woke up at this point, and saw Remus standing beside James.

"I'm sorry," Remus mouthed towards Snape. But Snape didn't catch what he said.

"I hate you two! Watch your backs!" Snape squirmed under control of the curse. There was nothing he could do as James carried him through the air and upon the gazes of almost everybody in the school. "I will get you back for this."

"It's not right," Remus said aloud as he woke up in his cell. "Why can't I think of the good memories?"

Every memory of which he could think ended either in detention, or by hurting someone else, whether it be physically or emotionally. Not one memory ended happily. So, he began thinking of his friends, after graduating from Hogwarts. Perhaps there he could find a fond memory to ease him out of this depression.

"Remus! James!" A very scruffy Sirius Black came running into the dining room in the Potters' house in Godric's Hollow. He looked frightened, and was panting.

"What is it?" Remus asked him.

"It's Regulus. He's joined Voldemort."

"We knew it was bound to happen eventually, Sirius. You know how your family is," James told him.

"They're _not_ my family. I don't wish to be associated with that filthy group of mongrels. They mean nothing to me." Sirius looked down at his feet, his hair hanging in his eyes. "I think that git Wormtail is here. Pretend like I'm not." Sirius hid himself under James' invisibility cloak which had been lying out on the table.

Peter Pettigrew waddled into the room a couple seconds later, wiping his sniffling nose on the sleeve of his cloak.

"Hey guys, did you hear? Regulus joined with Voldy! And I think that mudblood-hater Sirius went off with him. I don't think we can trust him," Peter said in a mouse-like whisper.

"You filthy little rat. How dare you insult Sirius like that?" James said, sticking up for his best friend. "Why, I oughta..."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop right there, James. I can handle this." Sirius stepped out from under the cloak. "What makes you think you can talk behind my back like that, you pipsqueak?" Sirius shoved him up against the wall and stuck his wand right against Peter's throat. "I could hurt you so badly right now." He lifted Peter up off of the ground, keeping his back right up against the wall. He tried to kick free of Sirius' grasp.

"Sirius, let him go, man. He's not worth it." James tried to talk his best friend out of doing something he would regret. Sirius dropped him, and Peter immediately clutched his throat, coughing sonorously.

"I didn't mean it, Sirius. I was just worried. I didn't know where you were. I thought you may have gone with him. Please, Sirius, I didn't mean it." Peter tried to back away from what he had said, but the damage was already done.

"How dare you even say the word 'mudblood' in this house? You are a disgrace." It was one of James' rules.

Lupin was now even more depressed, for he had the disgusting image of Peter Pettigrew in his head. This was a man who had ruined most of Lupin's life by causing the death of one of his best friends, and the imprisonment of another. Peter was the cause of most of the heartache he had suffered for years.

His other source of heartache came from his inability to find someone he truly loved and to make a comfortable living with them. He had many crushes during his time at Hogwarts, and his first was Lily Evans, the future wife of his best friend.

He had loved her from the very beginning to the very end. She was beautiful, and she was as intelligent as he was. She was the sweetest person on the planet, just as he was kind to everyone he met. She was born of muggles, but of course, he had absolutely nothing against that.

He had encountered her one day, and decided it was the optimal time to say something to her – there was nobody else around to hear them, and she looked to be in a happy mood. It was only their second year, and Lupin knew not of James' attraction to her. If he had known, he never would have even approached her. Upon approaching her, his throat became very dry, and he was unable to talk. She said "hello" and he waved, but he kept on walking past her.

He always wondered what would have happened if he had approached her. Would he have just created an awkward air between the two of them whenever they came in contact afterwards, or would something have clicked between them? Would this have then prevented the death of her, as well as of his best friend?

No, it was not worth thinking about it. She was an amazing friend to him, and he would never have asked for anything more than that. He loved her until the day that she died, and would always miss her, but it was never worth pining over that day. "What ifs" are never good to dwell upon, because there is no way of knowing the real answer.

He had loved others besides her, but none with as much passion.

It was upon realizing this that Lupin began to lose his feeling in the left side of his body. He collapsed to the floor of his cell, unable to move his left arm, or leg. His eyelids became heavy, and his heart rate became irregular. He tried screaming but he couldn't make a sound. The last thing he heard as he drifted off was footsteps running against the wet, cold stone floors.


	4. Chapter 4

When he awoke, he was in an unfamiliar place. The people around him were in blue clothing, and wore white masks over their mouths. He was lying in a bed in some sort of a nightgown, and had wires attached to him all over the place. He was very unaware of what was going on around him. A woman walked over to his side and looked at something to which the wires were attached. There were lines moving up and down on a big black box.

"Is this St. Mungo's?" he asked the lady.

"Is this what?" She looked bewildered.

"Are you a muggle?" He continued asking her questions, in hopes of figuring out where he was.

"Doctor, this man is speaking nonsense words. Something may be wrong with him," she yelled over to a man in a long white coat tending to someone in another bed.

"It's okay, Beth. He just had a stroke. Just let him get some sleep," he yelled back to her, nonchalantly. The woman named Beth walked away to help somebody else who was waving towards her.

"She was beautiful," Lupin thought, in awe of the odd woman who had just been near his bed. She must have been a muggle; that was the only explanation. He saw a sign on the wall that said "St. Joseph's." That must be where he was.

However, he had no recollection of how he got there. He could only assume that the reason he had blacked out in the cell was not because of some sort of magic. He remembered how the left side of his body had gone numb. Remus tried to move his left arm to no avail. He would probably gain feeling back eventually. It was at that moment that the man in the white coat walked over to him.

"Ah, Mr. Lupin, nice to meet you, though this isn't the best of situations under which to meet. My name is Dr. Wright. Now, there are some things I need to discuss with you. What you experienced was an ischemic stroke. More specifically, it was a thrombotic stroke. There was an obstruction in the flow of blood, thus causing a decrease in the blood supply to your brain, which caused a part of the right side of your frontal lobe to literally die. This right side of your frontal lobe was in control of the left side of your body; thus, this is why have lost the ability to mobilize your left appendages. Unfortunately, it is my duty to inform you that the ability to control those appendages will not come back to you. All of this was most likely due to an increase in blood pressure, which seems to have stabilized now, but is something you need to look after more in the future. If you have been under a lot of stress lately, I think that is something you need to tend to, because our bodies are capable of doing some very odd things when under stress. I am going to keep you here for a couple of days, Mr. Lupin, just to keep an eye on you. Let's see if we can keep that stress under control, okay?" The doctor winked at him and patted him on the shoulder before walking over to the next patient.

Lupin sat up in his bed. A stroke? He had never heard of such a thing. It must have been a muggle invention, for he was in a muggle hospital it seemed. As he wondered how he had arrived there, he saw someone out of the corner of his eye walk up to his bedside. When he turned to see who it was, he saw Arthur Weasley.

"Good evening, mate. I, uh, heard about what happened between you and Nymphadora. She's quite upset that you wouldn't talk to her. She's not angry with you, Remus. What happened was not your fault. She should have realized it was a full moon when she decided to walk up to your house unexpectedly. She knows this, and just wishes you would talk to her." Arthur began lecturing him, and Remus hung his head shamefully as he listened.

"I know, Arthur. I lost it. I completely lost it," he admitted.

"Now, Remus, has the doctor come by you yet? What's the prognosis?"

"I had a 'stroke' apparently. The doctor explained it. Apparently I wasn't getting blood to my brain. I've lost all of my feeling in the left side of my body. Can't move my left arm or leg. Paralysis. And I've know idea how I got here."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Remus. You know, if there is anything Molly or I can do to help you, just go ahead and let us know. I've already convinced them to release you from the cell. That's how I got you here." Arthur put his hand on Remus's shoulder, trying to console him.

"You took me here?"

"Yes, I saw you lying on the floor when I arrived, and I knew it was no magic that did this to you, because there was nobody even close to you to be able to curse you in any way. So I did what I knew. I took you here. It's only a couple blocks away from the Burrow."

"Well, thank you, Arthur. Thank you very much. It means a lot that you would do this for me. It's been a while since someone has done anything this nice for me. You may have saved my life, according to that doctor. I may not have lived if I hadn't come here. And I've no idea what all these wires connected to my body are doing." Remus laughed for the first time in years.

Remus felt loved. For the first time in several years, he finally felt as if there were people out there who cared about him. He remembered the good old days when the Order was around; back then, he felt needed. He always felt like someone needed his help, and he was glad to give it to them. But after Voldemort was gone, and after his renegade Death Eaters stopped trying to carry on his cause, he felt like he had been forgotten. Nobody ever needed to talk to him; nobody _wanted_ to talk to him, it seemed. But now, Arthur had rescued him from that cell. He felt like he did years ago – like somebody actually cared about his life.

"Tell me, Arthur, how is Harry doing?" Lupin collapsed back into his bed, sighing.

"He's, well, he's going through kind of a rough patch lately. He and Ginny have been having some troubles of their own, and then he saw you the other week after you had bitten Tonks. He's a mess, Remus. And, I must say, you're not on his good side right now. He was pretty angry when he saw you like that. He couldn't believe you would do such a thing. He doesn't understand such things. He's still so young." Arthur's looked down at his shoes and shook his head.

"Harry is the one who knocked me out that night. I saw him. I couldn't tell what he said, but I saw a light shoot out of his wand, and then everything went black. I couldn't believe Harry would do that to me. I treated him like a son for so many years..." Lupin was still in shock.

"Remus, don't worry about him too much. He'll be over it in no time. Just give him some time to himself."

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave Mr. Lupin alone for a little while. He needs to get some rest," the nurse, Beth, told Arthur.

"It was nice seeing you, Remus. Remember what I said."

"You too, Arthur." Remus' voice trailed off into a whisper. He was thinking about Harry. He couldn't believe Harry would be so ashamed of him. He couldn't help caring about the way Harry felt. He had always held Harry's feelings in high regard. Thinking about Harry still, he fell fast asleep in his hospital bed.

The first thing he always remembered about when he thought about Harry was in Harry's third year. He loved thinking about when he helped Harry with his dementor problem. They often shared butterbeers whilst discussing how to deal with dementors. He especially remembered using the boggart to help Harry practice. This was a time when he felt needed, like he was the only one who could help Harry. Remus liked feeling like that.

Along with this memory, though, came his own boggart – that shiny orb. That was indeed his least favorite thing, the thing he feared the most. He hated it, now more than ever. It had gotten him in trouble in the past, and had done so recently as well. Only two more weeks and he would have to face that fear once again. He was getting tired of the same old thing. He wished there was some sort of a cure for werewolves. But nothing could stop that wretched transformation. There was nothing that could be done to stop it from coming along at the sign of the full moon. It just wasn't possible to avoid it, or else he would do whatever it was to stop it.

He needed to talk to Severus. Severus had made Wolfsbane for him while he was a professor at Hogwarts, and whilst he was a member of the Order. But now, more than ever, he felt the need to use it again. The worst effects of being a werewolf were now taking control over his body, and he needed to stop them. If only he could get his hands on some Wolfsbane potion, he would be able to just hide away in his house, in his bedroom, away from the moonlight. He would make sure the light did not strike him, and he would not have to deal with that intense pain ever again.

He did not want to talk to Severus though, after everything they had been through. But he just wasn't skilled enough to brew the potion himself. As intelligent as he was, Wolfsbane was the only potion he had attempted that he was not able to brew correctly. Talking to Severus was the only possible way out of it, unfortunately.

With a crack, Lupin apparated away from the hospital, leaving all of the muggles staring at the empty bed where they could have sworn there was somebody lying just moments before.


	5. Chapter 5

The house was slate grey, and the grass in the front yard was two feet high. It had a chimney that was puffing smoke, and one could see through the windows that the fire was the only source of light from within. The owner was one Severus Snape, a school professor with dark, greasy hair that hung in front of his icy stare.

_Knock-knock_.

Severus opened the door at the sound to see an unexpected visage – that of Remus Lupin.

"What do _you_ want?" Severus asked, contemplating slamming the door in his former schoolmate's unshaven, rugged face. He had not seen Remus in years, and had counted on never seeing him again. It would not have phased him if he were to never converse with Remus ever again. He had rid his life of James Potter, Sirius Black, and Peter Pettigrew. But here came Remus Lupin barging back into his life unexpectedly, and unfortunately.

"Severus, I know we have not been on good terms with each other...ever, but I really need a favor," Lupin tried to reason with him.

"And what makes you think you _deserve_ my help? You're pathetic," Severus spat back at him.

"I need you to brew me some Wolfsbane, Severus. I beg you, please." Remus' voice was soft, and he knelt down in front of Severus, collapsing by his feet. He was exhausted, and desperate. He knew of nobody else who could possibly help him. Severus was always his last choice of someone to ask for help. He never dreamt of having to come to Severus' house to beg for mercy. But it had all come down to this; it had all come down to having to kneel down and beg before a man he had loathed for ages.

"You pathetic coward. You come knocking on my door at this hour, in a torn cloak, looking like you just rolled out of a heaping pile of garbage, begging for me to brew you Wolfsbane, a potion that takes ages to brew, and you think that I will drop everything that I have set before me in order to help you, a coward? You don't know how this world works. If you have nothing to offer me in return, what reason is there for me to help you?" Severus scowled.

Remus hung his head down lower than before and buried his face in his hands, attempting to hide his emotions from Severus' towering body, especially averting his icy stare.

"Get off of my doorstep. Do not think of coming back here again. You are a disgrace to the Order. You always were, and always will be. You should be ashamed of the way you present yourself for everyone to see, and you should be ashamed of your cowardice ways." With that, Severus slammed the door in Remus' face. He stood behind the door, and leaned his back up against the cold, steel door. For a minute, he felt sorry for Remus, but that passed when he remembered how awful he and his "marauder" friends had treated him at Hogwarts. "You get what you deserve," he muttered.

Remus was too weak to be able to apparate away safely, so he began crawling towards home as rain started falling down upon him.

As the rain came down upon him, he thought about all of the horrible things he had done to Severus over the years.

He, Sirius, and James were so cruel to Severus during their years at Hogwarts. They teased him constantly, calling him names like "Snivellus" and such. Lupin had not approved of the teasing and harassing of Severus at first, but in their later years at Hogwarts, he was just as cruel as Sirius and James.

He had quite a guilty mind now. Lupin knew that Severus was a good person, and an even better wizard. He was an extremely faithful member of the Order, and did more for them than anyone else, except Dumbledore and Harry. If he could go back in time and change the way he treated Severus, he would do it in an instant, but there was no way he could do that now. He was left with a guilty conscience about which he could do nothing.

There was one particular instance that was caught in his mind that he could not shake away and forget.

James and Remus were walking down the streets of Hogsmeade, right after they had just grabbed some butterbeers from Madame Rosmerta. Severus was walking beside Lily Evans, and they were laughing about something that was apparently funny to the both of them. James was in love with Lily since the moment he laid eyes on her. Remus, unbeknownst to James, also had quite a large crush on Lily Evans. The two of them had their own agendas, but both wanted Severus to fail miserably in his attempt to "woo" Miss. Lily Evans.

Remus withdrew his wand from his inner cloak pocket and hid it in his sleeve so nobody could see what he was planning to do.

"Tarantallegra!" Remus said as low as he could, pointing his wand at Severus, who had no idea who had jinxed him. James knew it was Remus, and was shocked he would pull such a spiteful prank on somebody.

"Moony, my boy, I never thought you had it in you," James said, patting his friend on the back with a huge grin on his face. "You were one step ahead of me. Thanks." James didn't know that Remus had not done it for him, he had done it for himself, but he let James think what he wanted.

Severus was lying on the ground, his legs like jelly. Lily was standing above him, trying her hardest not to laugh, but unable to hold it all inside.

"You slimy git," James said, spitting on Severus as his legs did a crazed dance. He laughed as he walked to Lily's side and asked her to join them. She was more than glad. As proud as she was of herself, she did not want to be seen around Severus whilst he was lying on the ground. Remus grabbed Severus' wand as they walked by him. Nobody helped Severus; he was left there without a wand.

It was because of these silly school-age pranks that Severus had refused to help him in his time of need, and Remus did not know why he let these immature temptations ever get the best of him. He was sorry for what he had done, but knew there was no way to undo the wrongs that he'd done to Severus, who had every right to be livid with him years later, after all of the things he had to put up with through the years.

It was only because of Dumbledore that Severus had ever made Wolfsbane in the first place to help him. Dumbledore had practically forced him to make it. If it weren't for that, Lupin would have never had those few peaceful years.

_Dumbledore_. Oh, Dumbledore, how he loved him, _how he missed him_. Dumbledore treated him as more of a son than his father had. He cared for him, and protected him. When there was a fear of people finding out who he was, and _what_ he was, Dumbledore kept the secret; he hid it from the world and protected the secret with all of his might. To help him, to help Remus. He gave Lupin a job when he was in desperate need, and risked everything by hiring a werewolf to teach students. He wasn't sure what Dumbledore was thinking, risking his position like that, but he was extremely grateful. Until the day he died, and even after, he was loyal to Dumbledore, and kept his word true that he would always look after Harry.

Even when Remus was a student, Dumbledore took him under his wing, and personally taught him things. It was Dumbledore who created the passage to the "Shrieking Shack" as it became called for Lupin. It was his idea to protect Lupin and enable him to still go to school with the rest of the kids because he knew Lupin's story.

He remembered when he was a kid and Dumbledore came to his house to talk to his parents.

"Mr. and Mrs. Lupin, we need to discuss matters with regards to your son attending Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry," he said when Remus' parents answered the door.

His parents had thought he would have never had the chance to go to Hogwarts after being bitten by the werewolf. They thought he would be considered a threat and a danger to the other students, and would never have been allowed to attend. Yet, here was Albus Dumbledore, coming to talk to them personally about arrangements for their son Remus to learn at Hogwarts. It was a dream come true for them.

"I have come up with a way that we can certainly hide the fact that your son is a werewolf. There will be no reason for any of the other students to be scared, because there is no reason for them to know. It will require a bit of lying on my part, on his part, and on your part. Unfortunately, I see no other way this can be done. I see your son doing great things, and I would hate to deprive him of an education," Dumbledore told his parents. Remus was excited at the prospect, and was also quite confused as to why Dumbledore had said he was destined for great things. It was puzzling, but it was a compliment nonetheless.

"Now, I have arranged a building in Hogsmeade to house your son whilst he is in a transformed state. Either I or one of my closest companions will lead your son down a tunnel beneath a tree I have had planted on the grounds that leads to a completely locked down, impenetrable building in Hogsmeade. We will, however, have to tell people that once a month you son comes to see his parents because you are both very ill and he must take care of you. It's the best I can do, and I hope you can accept my proposal. As I said, it would be a shame to deprive such a bright young man of his education." Dumbledore patted him on his back that night, the first time they had ever met. It was more affection than he had ever got from his very own father.

Thinking about this made Lupin happy again. Dumbledore had always treated him so well, and with respect.

Along with this, however, came the memory of Dumbledore's death. It completely counteracted the pleasant memory he had just thought about. It was perhaps the most disheartening day of his entire life.

At the memorial service, he was one of the most emotional people there. He loved Dumbledore, as if Dumbledore was his father, and knew he would miss not only those beautiful eyes, but the way they looked so full of life at such an old age. His own were dull and faded, absent of life.

Dumbledore died a courageous man, something Lupin wished he could do. He did not want to die a coward, but how could he be any more courageous than he was, when he was afraid of himself?

He just wished he could be more like Dumbledore. The man was a genius. Not only that, but he also had a copious amount of bravery. Lupin, he was smart too. In fact, people often called him a genius in his school days. Sure, he was in Gryffidor, so he must have been brave. Sure, he would fight Voldemort to protect himself and his friends in a heartbeat. But he could not face the other half of himself. When it came to that, he had no bravery whatsoever. Yet, here he was, wishing he was more like Dumbledore, trying to run away from his problem and succumbing to his weaknesses, bowing down in front of Severus Snape, begging for Wolfsbane potion. He didn't need any of it.

He had run away from Tonks. He did not want to see her, not because he was angry at her like he had said, but because he was ashamed of himself. He had to go make things right with Tonks.


	6. Chapter 6

He raised his hand and readied himself to knock upon the door of Ms. Nymphadora Tonks. In mid-air, his hand paused. He could not bring himself to speak to her.

There was quite a history between the two, which ended in Remus biting Nymphadora and turning her into a werewolf. Needless to say, he had something of which to be ashamed.

This wasn't the only thing, however. There once was a relationship between the two of them that lasted several years. They had often talked about getting married, especially when she found out that she was pregnant with Remus' child. The two were ready to tie the knot, when they both decided they weren't ready to commit. They stayed together as an unmarried couple, awaiting the arrival of their newborn.

Tonks had refused to stay home from work; she was very dedicated to her line of work, and did not want to miss a day. Lupin had often tried to convince her to stay home and that he could support the two of them, but they both knew he could not bring in the money to support them, especially considering they were soon going to have an addition to the family.

One day, whilst out trying to take somebody into custody, the man in question sent a stunning spell her way. Not only was Tonks injured, but the curse also caused a miscarriage. This was the beginning of the end for she and Remus.

Remus had always wanted a boy of his own. He had tried to treat Harry as a child, but when he met him, Harry was already so grown up. Harry did not need him for long; soon enough, he was an independent kid who wanted no kind of parental guardian watching over his shoulder. He looked at Remus as a friend, not as a father figure, and that's how he wanted to keep it.

Naturally, when Remus found out that Tonks, who was carrying his spawn, had a miscarriage, he was greatly disheartened to hear the news. Not only was this an innocent child who had been denied the right to live, but it was of his flesh and blood.

He had told Tonks not to go to work, but she had not listened to him. If she just would have listened to his advice, they could be a happy little family living a peaceful life at his house. She was stubborn and would not stay home from her job.

In the coming months, the two barely spoke to each other, and saw less and less of each other as time progressed. They drifted apart slowly until one day Tonks was no longer living with him. They hadn't spoken in months when she showed up at his door on the night of a full moon.

"Remus?" Tonks had come to the door while he was reminiscing about everything in their past.

"Nymphadora, I...I –"

"It's okay, Remus. You don't have to say it. I'm sorry too," she told him, smiling, and embracing him with a tight squeeze.

The embrace was only one-way.

"We need to talk, Nymphadora."

"About what?"

"Everything." He walked inside the house with the help of Tonks and sat down on the couch in the living area.

"Care for a drink?" she asked him, sounding very concerned.

"Sure."

She brought him some firewhiskey; it had always been his favorite. It burned on the way down, and warmed him up on the inside.

"I think we need to get something straight, Nympadora. I hate the fact that I bit you. That's why I wouldn't talk to you when you visited me. I was completely out of my mind to treat you like that, when it was my fault for not being able to control myself. I do not blame you for my being held captive. I was being ridiculous to accuse you of that, and I'm sorry." Remus still did not feel relieved, and it showed in his face.

"That's not what this is all about though, is it Remus?"

"I miss you. _Terribly_, I might add. I can't go on like this. I am getting older every minute, and you're the only one I've known who can make me forget that. Being with you was the greatest time in my life. You made me feel like there was nothing I couldn't do. There was nothing I _wouldn't_ do, _for you_." It was all true, he thought to himself. He had never been more honest about anything in his life. He was getting older, and he needed someone there beside him to take care of him when his body finally gave in.

"Remus, it's not that simple, though. You abandoned me in my time of need. Something terrible happened to me, and you felt no remorse for me. You were angry and chastised me. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to have to go through that? That baby was a living part of me and was torn away from my life. It was not a part of your life yet. But you left me there alone to fend for myself, with not a care in the world as to how _I_ felt. And now, here you are, telling me how much you loved me, and how much you want me to be a part of your life. I don't know that I can trust you, Remus, to be by my side no matter what happens. I just don't know."

"How do you not know, Nymphadora? Does the fact that I came here tonight, risking my pride, to confess to you how I feel mean absolutely nothing? Does it mean nothing that I've come and apologize for how I've treated you?"

"It's not that easy," she tried telling him.

"You say our child was not a part of my world yet. That is a complete lie. It was just as much a part of me as it was of you. That child would have been my world had it been granted a chance to live its life."

"Then why did you abandon me, Remus? I just don't understand." She shook her head. She could not comprehend such an action after the words he had just spoken.

"Because – because I was afraid. I didn't know what else to do. Running away had solved problems in the past. I wanted to start a new life, to start over from scratch." His voice was becoming quite shaky.

"You think I wasn't scared too? The baby's pulse was connected to mine. We were one in the same being. And he was ripped from me. That was absolutely the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me. Do you understand me?"

"I know, I know. It was a cowardly move on my part. I cannot change that. However, I _can_ change how I will treat you if you let me back into your life. I _can_ promise you that I will never leave your side whether you need me there or not. I _can_ promise that I will forever love you." He looked her in the eye with the utmost sincerity.

"Remus, I don't know..." she trailed off.

"Tonks, I just..." He couldn't finish his statement.

"You just what, Remus?"

"I just – I just don't want to die alone."


	7. Chapter 7

He had always known growing old would be hard, especially near the end. But he also knew that it would be even more difficult if he were by himself.

He lost his chance with Lily; he lost his chance with Roxy. He did not want to lose Tonks. They always say the third time is a charm, but he was beginning to think that might not be right.

Would the fourth woman he fell in love with be the one with whom he spent his remaining years? Would there even be a fourth woman?

He doubted he even loved Roxy or Tonks. In his mind, Lily Evans was the only girl with whom he ever fell in love.

He would never forget her.

He could never forget the day she left that world and rose to the heavens. He could never believe his best friend sold out the Potters' whereabouts to Voldemort. He had told Sirius, and only Sirius, how he truly felt about Lily Evans. Remus was relieved when he found out that it was not true, that it was Peter Pettigrew who was the traitor.

He remembered the memorial service for Lily, and her husband, one of his best friends, James Potter. It was beautiful, and he was honored that he was asked to speak before everybody about them. He felt he was the only one who could have done either of them justice in explaining their lives and everything they did for witchcraft and wizardry. Lily Evans was the most amazing girl he had ever met, and he would forever despise Peter Pettigrew, a man whom he once considered a friend, for revealing their whereabouts and tearing her from his life completely.

He could not be with Lily. He knew that; he _always_ knew that. She and James were meant to be, and it was their amazing son who vanquished the Dark Lord. Remus knew while at school that Lily and James would end up together, even if she denied it for years. James was in love with her, and Remus held their friendship higher than his desire to be with Lily. He supposed James would have done the same thing if he had let it be known how he felt about Lily, but he would never be able to find out for sure.

It was this realization that he could not be with Lily that made him venture out in search of someone else with whom he could spend his life. At this point in time, he believed that to be Nymphadora Tonks, a woman with whom he shared common ideals, and with whom he always felt young.

Thinking about Lily's death made him think about losing his best friend James along with her. James, even though he married the girl Remus loved, remained his best friend nonetheless. James, Remus, and Sirius were nearly inseparable during their school years, and even after they graduated.

James was perhaps the bravest person Remus had ever met. James wasn't the most modest person in the world, but he was definitely a loyal friend, and a great friend.

James Potter would have done anything for him if he asked. He would have taken a curse for him in an instant. Remus would have done the same.

He missed James, in a platonic sort of way. He had missed James forever, and had hated Sirius Black when he thought that he had been the one who turned in James and Lily. He thought he would never be able to forgive Sirius for what he had done, and never wanted to see him ever again.

But then he found out it was Peter Pettigrew who turned in the Potters to Voldemort. He realized it was stupid to think that Sirius could ever do that to James. Peter had always been a slimy, good-for-nothing, scrawny kid who was horrible at magic. He wondered why he never figured out it was Peter and not Sirius.

When he found out that Peter had been the one who caused the death of the woman he loved, and his best friend, he wanted to kill Peter right then and there. It was the first time in his life that rage boiled up inside of him. He felt like he had no control over his body. It was lucky for Peter that there were others around who made him calm down enough to not do anything too rash.

Sirius Black. Remus missed him also. Sirius was another incredibly loyal friend, and Remus felt nothing but sorrow for Sirius whenever he thought of him.

Sirius had a rough life as a child, being born into a muggle-hating, pureblood-supporting family. Sirius had exact opposite views, and it was for this reason that they got along so well.

Unlike with James, Remus was right there when Sirius died, and it hurt so badly to watch it happen. He wished so much that it could have been he who died, and not Sirius. He would have taken that curse for him in an instant. It was the most horrible thing in the world to watch a best friend be murdered at the hands of such a wretched hag. Remus vowed to take vengeance upon her.

His two best friends were dead. All he had left was his dog, and a hope for something better to eventually happen to him.

One of the happiest moments of his life, looking back, was when he learned of Peter Pettigrew's death. He loved what Sirius had said about Peter. _"If you made a better rat than a human, it's not much to boast about."_ It was all too true. James and Sirius had something to boast about.

They were Gods to Remus.

The two accomplished so much for the Order, and helped so many people. They were the sole reason for the survival of so many different people. Not only were they incredible wizards, they were more brave than anyone he knew. They were very humorous, and knew how to have fun. They weren't just excellent wizards; they were excellent _people_.

Remus felt inferior to them when he thought about that. He thought that they were so much better than him, and thought that he ought to be the one dead.

He wished he was.

He could be up there with his best friends again, reunited. He would love to see Sirius and James again. They were so accepting of him, and did not care at all whether he was a werewolf or not. They would have befriended a vampire, as long as said vampire was not prejudiced.

The more he thought about it, he really _did_ wish he could be reunited with his friends. What did he have to live for? Tonks? _No_. She was not willing to give him a chance once more. There was nothing; he had nothing.


	8. Chapter 8

Tonks did not know what to say; her mouth was dry and her mind was as black as a brand new chalkboard.

"Tonks, I don't know what I would do with myself if I lost you." He looked up at her and with his big, dull blue eyes and stared wistfully at her.

"Remus..." she began, trailing off, all semblance of a thought escaping her tongue. She knew what he wanted to hear her say, but knew not how to say it, nor how to say it meaningfully. She loved him; she always had. However, what he did to her in her time of need was beyond belief. It left her emotionally scarred, much worse than the scars she received as battle wounds.

"If you just give me one more chance...just one more. I promise I will be by your side no matter what."

"Remus, I can't have this conversation right now. I really can't. My mind is aflutter. But Remus, just know, I do love you. I just can't have this all on my mind right now. I just need some time to think all of this through. It's not a simple yes or no kind of thing." Her eyes told him she was very sincere, and even just hearing this slight bit of hope brought a smile to his lips.

"Okay, Dora," was all he could muster, trying to contain his satisfaction. At least it wasn't an absolute 'no.' Her answer was the best thing he had heard all day.

After saying their goodbyes, they parted ways. Tonks walked up the winding staircase for some much-needed relaxation time where she would be able to think about everything in peace and quiet. Remus apparated home to do the same. He really wished she would be able to come up with an answer soon; he would await it with both uneasiness and anticipation.

It was all he could think about. He had only ever been that restless one other time in his entire life, and that was when sitting in a room in St. Mungo's waiting to hear what had happened to Roxy Kay, the love of his life whom he had bitten unintentionally and unfortunately.

He remembered how horrible the feeling was to be awaiting an answer to something that determined a large chunk of your fate. He had hoped he never was in that kind of position ever again, but the time had come again. He remembered sitting in a room in St. Mungo's, waiting for a doctor to come out and discuss the prognosis with him, not knowing if she had been infected with the "disease" or if he had caused her her life. He had even hoped at one point that maybe she had miraculously escaped any harm. That sort of anxiety creates an enormous amount of pressure, and a body under stress is capable of doing very weird things.

His heart was beating extremely quickly, and he was having trouble breathing. He clutched his heart as he fell to the floor with a thud, gasping for air.

His heart had never pumped blood that quickly before. It felt like it was on overload. He grabbed a hold of his bed and attempted to pull himself up with his one working arm, wincing in pain as he felt his heart burning.

He let out a deafening shriek.

He managed to pull himself up on top of his bed, using all of his strength.

"Just calm down," he whispered to himself, trying to hold back the urge to shed tears. He reached across to a nightstand by his bedside and grabbed a bottle of butterbeer – his cure-all.

In just two seconds, he inhaled the contents of the entire bottle. The burn began to ease, and he felt his body begin to relax. The beating of his heart started to slow down a bit.

It wasn't the first time he had suffered horrible heartburn. It had happened several times in the past year, and he learned that a bottle of butterbeer is the best cure for anything. Firewhiskey is better for emotional pain, though.

He haphazardly rolled over to his side, and the empty bottle slipped from his hands, crashing to the floor. Shards of glass littered the old wood floor. He inhaled deeply and closed his eyes. His mind immediately raced back to his conversation with Tonks the day she lost their baby.

"How could you have ever been so foolish? You are always doing things like this. You always think about yourself. It wasn't just about you this time. It was about _us_. It was about _our_ family," he yelled at her. His brow was furrowed, and his stare ablaze.

"You think I don't feel bad enough as it is? You feel the need to harass me and make me feel worse?"

Remus had always regretted how he had reacted to the situation, but had always held true that the entire situation could have been avoided had she listened to his advice.

Oh, how he wished she would give him one more chance to set things right between the two of them. He would love to be able to show her that with age comes a greater level of maturity, and he had grown since they had last been together. He cared more about other people's feelings than he had before, especially Tonks' feelings.

Something inside him halted these thoughts, and made him realize that there was a great chance that Tonks would stick by what she had said before, and never again give him a chance to prove himself. What would he do then? Was there any way he could go on living without her, without anyone to take care of him as he got older by the day?

No, he thought not. If she would not give him the chance to prove he loved her, that would be the end of it all.

He loved Tonks, that was all there was to it. No "ifs," or "buts" about it. He could not go on without her. He needed her in his life, and there was nothing more to it.

She meant the world to him. She was his only source of hope for anything in this world, and without her, everything was lost.

He did not know what to do. There was no place he could go and nobody he could talk to. He was going insane thinking about what the world would be like if he were to be rejected by Nymphadora Tonks.

He knew he could not just sit around all day by himself. He would not make it through the day. It would kill him to sit around and just dwell on the fact that he did not know whether or not Tonks would take him back. He knew this for a fact.

Nobody would want to sit down with him and hear all of his problems. They had all abandoned him. Though, Arthur Weasley did help him out before when he had his stroke. Maybe he would want to help him through this. No, he doubted that Arthur would want to hear his problems; he had enough problems of his own. There was no reason he would want to deal with someone else's.

He had no family to go to, and he could not go talk to Tonks about his problems; she was the problem.

Then it came to him. There was one place any witch or wizard could go and feel at home. _Hogsmeade_. It was a place where witches and wizards could not only go to shop for all of their magical needs, but it was a place where they could go to socialize with one another. There was the Three Broomsticks, but Lupin much preferred the Hog's Head. Not only did he enjoy the company of Dumbledore's brother, but he liked the fact that there were not a lot of people there to bother him.

And with that, Lupin apparated away to the Hog's Head tavern, looking for a nice relaxing day away to free his mind.


	9. Chapter 9

"Aberforth, how have you been?"

"Not too shabby, Remus. What can I get for you?"

"Pint of your finest lager, my friend. It's time to drown myself in my own sorrow and pity."

"Now, Remus, I don't need you to be doing that. You're my finest customer. So, how about you let me in on whatever seems to be wrong?" Aberforth Dumbledore gave him a sincere look of worry.

"Well, it's just that everything has been falling apart lately. Tonks is a werewolf, I can't use my left leg or arm, and I've realized I can't go on living without Tonks in my life. I also can't seem to stop wallowing over James and Sirius' deaths. I keep thinking about Lily and Roxy, and I feel bad for being involved in the mistreating of Severus. I miss your brother and how he used to always take me under his wing. I can't get all of this out of my head, and it's killing me inside."

He paused.

"I bit Nymphadora, and then Harry Potter of all people took me into custody. I looked after him for so long, and thought we were so close. I guess I was wrong. He turned on me in a heartbeat."

"Harry does seem to take his job really seriously, Remus. It's not just you. He damn near arrested George Weasley the other day. Don't take it personally. The kid's under a whole lot of stress."

"That's it though, Aberforth. He's not a kid anymore. He's so grown up now, and he doesn't need an old fool like me. Thinking about that just makes me think about how James wouldn't be proud of how his son has forgotten about the most important thing in life – having fun."

"Remus, you say the most important thing is having fun, but are you living that life?"

"It's different for me, though. I've never had that philosophy. James and Sirius always did, but I couldn't just think about that. There were too many other things to be worried about." He took a swig of his drink, and sighed.

"My brother would tell you the same thing your friends would have. Don't dwell on the negatives, Remus. You see what it's doing to you. It's eating you alive. Now, tell me about Nymphadora."

"I don't know if you know or not, but we were together for a while, and at one point she was pregnant. She lost the baby, and after that our entire relationship just went downhill. I've just started realizing how much I miss her, and how wrong I was to blame her for losing our child. I told her all of this yesterday, and she doesn't seem to completely understand what I'm saying. She doesn't believe me. She doesn't think she can trust me after what happened the last time we were together." Remus hung his head, not knowing what to do.

It was true what they say, though. Talking about how he felt really did help. It's what he needed – to get things off of his chest.

"She'll come around, Remus. People always do. She'll see it's silly to blame you for feeling like that. Anyone would react that way." Aberforth took off his spectacles and wiped them clean on his robes.

"Thanks, Aberforth."

"No problem. Now, what's this you say about not being able to use your left arm?"

"I had a 'stroke.' It's nothing I had heard of. I had to go to a muggle hospital. They're quite odd. Apparently it happens when my brain doesn't get enough air, and it shuts down the ability to control the left side of my body. So I've been just apparating everywhere lately and relying on people to help me out."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Remus."

"It's okay. There's nothing I can do about that. I just wish I would hear from Nymphadora some time soon."

The door of the pub swung open as he said that, and Harry Potter walked through the door, sulking toward the bar.

"Good day, Remus," Harry greeted him.

"Hello, Harry," he replied. Remus refused to look him in the eye.

"I'll take a butterbeer," Harry said to Aberforth, continuing to stare down at the bar.

"Coming right up!"

"So, Remus, I imagine you're angry at me for what happened. The past is the past. I was just doing my job. You were a threat to us at the time, so I had to take things into my own hands or someone could have gotten seriously injured."

Remus turned his head and looked at the wall the opposite way of where Harry was sitting.

"You can't avoid me forever, Remus."

"You're not your father's child."

Harry's mouth fell wide open. He did not know what to say.

"Your father would have never spoken to you again if he was still alive and found out you did that to me. Harry, you are too wrapped up in your job. You've forgotten what is supposed to be most important – your friends and family, especially the friends who treated you like family."

"Remus, I couldn't just let you attack one of us. You are being ridiculous. How do you not understand me?" Harry's eyebrows were furrowed in complete disbelief of what Lupin was saying.

"Harry, I would never have bitten any of you. You know me!" Remus was getting very defensive, and was now glaring at Harry.

"You had just bitten Tonks! How were we to think you wouldn't do the same to us?"

"Just –" was all he managed to get out before letting out an agitated grunt.

"Is there something else bothering you, Remus?" Harry asked, finally realizing there must have been a bigger picture to the way Lupin was acting.

"Everything, Harry. Just, everything. I can't take it anymore. I'm going crazy thinking about everything. I keep having flashbacks about your father, about Sirius, about Dumbledore, about all the things I did to Severus while at school, about Roxy, about your mother, about _Tonks_. I just can't go on living like this Harry. I'm getting older, and now that I'm permanently disabled, I need someone to take care of me. I'm not getting any more nimble by the day. I _need_ Nymphadora back in my life."

"Tell her that, Remus! Just say exactly that! Don't go around in circles, and don't dwell upon it. You see what it's doing to you. I saw the look in your eyes after you had bitten Tonks. I saw the sorrow in your eyes. I knew you didn't want it to happen that way. It's eating you alive."

"That's what I told him," Aberforth said, jumping back into the conversation after helping a young lady down at the other end of the bar. It was the most business he had seen in months.

It wasn't long after he and Aberforth started talking again that Ginny Weasley joined Lupin and her husband in the Hog's Head, ordering a butterbeer as soon as she stepped through the door. She stole the seat between Remus and Harry before stealing a kiss from Harry.

"Ginny, we're just a couple of old fools here talking about love, and I think we deserve a woman's opinion on the situation," Aberforth told Ginny, wiping a glass clean with a rag that looked like it hadn't ever been washed in the hundred years since it was made.

"My ears are open, and so is my mind," she said, smiling at Aberforth.

"Go ahead, Remus, tell the lady." Aberforth winked at Remus, but Remus did not understand the gesture.

"Well, Ginny, it's like this. When Tonks lost our baby years ago, I sort of pushed her aside and blamed her for the whole mess. We drifted apart, as you know, but I don't think you knew why. I blamed her for losing the baby that I had always wanted to raise, and now she blames me for the years of heartache following the loss, because I 'abandoned her in her time of need.' That's what she told me the other day when I asked her to take me back. She still hasn't given me an answer. She told me she would need to think about it. We all know what _that_ means." Remus hung his head in worry before knocking back his pint and slamming the empty glass on the table. He ordered another.

"You see, I am still absolutely in love with Tonks. I've been thinking a lot lately about everything that has happened to me in my life, and what I've basically come up with in the past twenty-four hours is that I can't go on living my life without her in it. It was unclear to me before, but so much has happened to me lately that made me see it. I can't believe I didn't realize it before."

Aberforth handed him his second pint, and Remus took a swig of it before having to wipe the foam out of the prickly moustache that had begun spurting out of his upper lip the past few days.

"So, I guess my question, Ginny, is how do I go about telling Tonks all of this?"

Ginny looked like a deer in headlights. The spotlight was completely on her.

"Well, Remus, I'm guessing right now she just kind of feels like she doesn't know is she can trust you after what happened. And I think that just about every woman would feel that way. What you did was something no woman wants their companion to do. She was at a vulnerable emotional standpoint in her life, and that was the time you chose to abandon her."

She paused, and Remus thought that was all she was going to say. He looked like he was about to speak, but she cut him off.

"But, that doesn't mean she doesn't love you. Tonks probably still has feelings for you. She just doubts herself, because she doesn't want to be hurt again like last time. Now listen to me carefully. You need to tell her exactly what you just told me. She will see that you are serious this time, and that nothing could stand in your way. She may still be wary at first, but that will wear off as time goes by, and the two of you will be as good as new."

"That's what I said!" Harry shouted out.

"Yeah, that's what we said!" Aberforth joined in, still wiping the same glass.

"Well, I guess that settles it. I guess there's no other way then. I'll just have to go to her and tell her exactly what I feel, since that apparently is the _only_ thing I could possibly do." He sighed; he dreaded having to go to Tonks and tell her how he felt. It made him feel so vulnerable to lay his emotions out on the table for anyone to see and pick at. He had felt vulnerable enough just having to relay his feelings three times to three different people.

He wished there was some other way to let it be known to her that he would not abandon her again, that he had matured and realized that what he had done was preposterous. He knew what to say, but didn't want to speak it out loud again; he wished Tonks knew legilimency.

Aberforth, Harry, and Ginny were all staring at him with watchful eyes, eyeing up his every move, waiting for him to say or do something. They all wanted him and Tonks to get back together. Everybody thought they were "so cute together."

The first time the two of them were together, it was because Harry and Ginny had forced the two together. Ginny had suggested that they be dates to their wedding. Remus and Tonks hit it off at the wedding, and after that they were together for quite a while. So, naturally, Harry and Ginny were just as depressed as Tonks and Remus when they broke it off.

"Remus, go. Now," Aberforth told him sternly, pointing toward the door. He snatched Remus' glass away from him, which prompted a very surprised reaction from Remus, who was appalled that Aberforth was rushing him out the door, though glad that it meant he could get away without paying for the drinks.

"Alright, well, here goes nothing." Remus closed his eyes and was readying himself to apparate off to Tonks' house when he heard Ginny gasp, followed by a familiar voice.

"Wotcher, Harry!"


	10. Chapter 10

He was incredibly shocked to see Tonks walk into the Hog's Head, though it had become a popular place for ex-Order members to get a drink in Hogsmeade, instead of the Three Broomsticks.

"Tonks," he managed to let out in a whisper. It was all he could manage to say. He had planned to go talk to her, but he wanted a little bit of time first; he was not ready.

"Hey, Remus," she said rather softly.

"I'll leave the two of you alone," Aberforth said, walking down to the opposite end of the bar.

"Yeah, we'll give you two some room to talk," Ginny said, grabbing Harry by the arm and pulling him down to where Aberforth had gone. Remus could see them all down at the other end of the bar, still watching them intently; he knew they would listen to everything that was said.

"Tonks, I..."

"You don't have to say it, Remus," she cut him off. "You love me, I know."

She was beaming.

"And I want you to know that I've thought about it long and hard. I want you to know that I love you too."

She ran up and threw her arms around him. With his right arm, he pulled her in closer to him.

"Listen to me, Remus. I want you to know that I think no less of you just because you are paralyzed, okay? We will work through it. It doesn't affect my love for you. I wouldn't have anybody else but you in my life."

Harry, Ginny, and Aberforth were all down at the other side of the bar, positively beaming with delight. Harry landed a wet kiss right on Ginny's cheek, inspired by the moment.

"Oh, Dora, you don't know how much this means to me that you would let an old man like me back into your young life." He didn't say it, but it was the happiest day of his life. He didn't have to say it out loud. Tonks knew it already.

Remus was at a loss for words; he did not know what else to say. He was just incredibly ecstatic after hearing Tonks say those words – "I love you too." It was a dream come true, that's for sure.

The two lovebirds kissed passionately, with a cheer in the background coming from the other end of the bar where everybody had been watching them.

"Remus, we need to move your stuff into my house so I will be able to take care of you," she told him, grabbing a seat on the stool next to him.

"Why am I moving to your place? Can you not move in to mine?"

"Remus, let's face it, your house is kind of a dump." She chuckled. Remus held back the urge to say something in defense; he did not want to screw anything up already. Instead, he just laughed along. After all, she was right; his place was a mess. He could not afford anything else.

Remus thought about Roxy, who he had also bitten once upon a time and turned into a werewolf. A hunter then shot Roxy one night when they were both in the woods as werewolves. He just hoped that this didn't happen to Tonks.

"Dora, promise me that at full moons, we will stay inside the house and not venture out. I don't want anything to happen to you. I would not be able to go on without you."

"Of course, Remus," she told him, comfortingly. It made him smile to hear her say that.

"Dora, I promise you that I will never leave your side, no matter what happens. I will always be there for you." He was just too happy to have her back in his life, that he could not stop smiling. Everybody was happy to see Remus back to his old, happy self. They hadn't seen him like that in years. Lupin thought that he might finally be able to stop thinking about everything that had made him upset and stressed during the past couple of weeks, thus avoiding any stress-related medical problems. He knew it would stop him from aging – that was natural; with aging also came some unavoidable health problems. He just thought that having her with him would relieve him of some of the avoidable health problems.

Remus knew it was a proven fact that people who are married and have someone there for them live a longer, happier life. Love is a cure for dying young. He had something, or, rather, _someone_ to live for now.

"All right all, I thank you very much for everything today, but I think Nymphadora and I are going to go back to her place," he yelled down to the other end of the bar.

"Hey, don't think you're going to get out of here without paying, Remus!" Aberforth yelled back.

"Aberforth, put it on my check," Harry told him, winking at Remus down at the other end. On that note, the two apparated away together.

The two, from the beginning, were destined to live happily together. Not but one year after that day, the two were wed at Hogwarts in front of the lake. Harry Potter was the Best Man, and Ginny the Matron of Honor. The wedding was beautiful, and everybody who knew the couple showed up. Even Severus Snape came to the wedding; his gift to the couple was three pints of Wolfsbane Potion, which lasted Remus until the day that he died.

Remus and Tonks had two children, twins to be exact – a boy named Remus Jr., and a girl who they named Andromeda after Tonks' mother. Remus spoiled his kids; they meant everything in the world to him, and he was glad he could give his kids everything they wanted, unlike his childhood. He was glad they were not born as werewolves, a rarity since the mother and father were both werewolves. Luck was certainly on his side for the first time in his life.

Remus got a job at Hogwarts as the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, where he was the first wizard to last more than a year in the job. In fact, he lasted twenty. He was there when his children went through the school, and loved teaching the students, who all admired him for everything he had done. He had firsthand experience with dealing with the Dark Arts, and the students all respected him after hearing some of the stories he told about his encounters. He loved theatrics and did as much as he could to bring a smile to everybody's face.

Tonks continued her work as an Auror, this time making sure while she was pregnant that she take some maternity leave so as to protect her babies. She and Lupin were truly in love, and willing to do anything for one another.

When Remus died, he was eighty-three years old, and was fully satisfied with his entire life. He died in his sleep, very peacefully. His loving wife died just two months later, and the two watched down from heaven, holding hands, as their kids had children of their own, naming their children after their parents. Their legacy lived on forever through their children.


End file.
